Firsts Meme

Ok, I’m stealing this meme from David.  It looks fun (and I loved several of his answers, but especially #17).

1. Who was your first prom date? My first brother-in-law.  Nah, it wasn’t as weird as it may sound.  It was my 8th grade prom and my good friend G had asked me to go, but then he was forced into a family commitment (which I found out years later involved abuse) and couldn’t go.  I was devistated.  My bro-in-law, who was a very cool and good-looking guy and was drooled over by more than one of my friends at various times, said, “Why don’t I take you to the prom?”  It was very sweet and he took me out for a brownie sundae afterwards.

2. Do you still talk to your first love? No, but I have been doing a lot of talking about my first love lately, doing a lot of processing about unresolved stuff.

3. What was your first alcoholic drink? Wine.  Or if this question refers to a mixed drink, it was probably an Amaretto Sour.

4. What was your first job? Fast food restaurant employee

5. What was your first car? It was a 1966 Plymouth Belvedere that my sister bought from a coworker for $50.  It needed a lot of work, which I paid for in stages with my babysitting money until it was road-ready.

6. Who was the first person to text you today? I haven’t received a text in a long time.

7. Who is the first person you thought of this morning? Either my cat, my first love (see #2), my therapist, or one of two friends I have been talking to a lot lately – I don’t remember my first thought.  It may have been about all of them at once, kind of a flooding of “I’m awake and thinking now”.

8. Who was your first grade teacher? Miss . . . um . . . You know, I knew this for a long time.  For some reason, Miss Hall seems right.

9. Where did you go on your first flight in a plane? I think it was from PA to FL.  No, wait, I think my family flew from TX to PA when I was around 3.

10. Who was your first best friend and do you still talk? I think my first best friend was Heidi, and I haven’t seen her since we were kids.  Wait!  My first best friend was my sister, and yes, we are still best friends and talk daily.

11. Where was your first sleepover? It was probably at my cousin’s house when I was about 6 and we lived in PA.

12. Who was the first person you talked to today? My mom

13. Whose wedding were you in for the first time? A girl named Janet who I went to high school with.  No, actually, I was the Maid of Honor when my parents renewed their vows for their 25 anniversary when I was 17.

14. What was the first thing you did this morning? Woke up.  Then got up, showered, dressed, called Mom, and went to work.

15. What was the first concert you went to? LOL – Bobby Sherman, in around 1969.  My sister was in love with him.  He was so dreamy.  Or so I heard.  I don’t remember anything but standing on my chair like the “big kids” did.

16. First tattoo? I don’t have one, but haven’t ruled out getting one some day.

17. First piercing? My ears, when I was about 15.  I believe I passed out.

18. First foreign country you went to? Mexico

19. First movie you remember seeing? True Grit.  I was 5.  I cried because it was so loud.  Or, wait, it might have been The Sound of Music.  My dad took my sister and me to see it.

20. What state did you first live in? Montana

21. Who was your first room-mate? My sister,when we shared a bedroom when I was 6 and she was 13.  Or, as a grownup, I rented a room from a friend I worked with when I was 32.

22. When was your first detention? I wasn’t ever sent to detention.

23. If you had one wish, what would it be? To win the lotto and be able to help several people and causes I care about (and retire young)

24. What is one thing you would learn, given the chance? How to build and maintain a database-driven web site

25. Who will be the next person to post this? I don’t know. . . maybe Kerro?

Bliss List Item 8: Music

While I appreciate choral music and chants (as Kerro, Kate1975, and David have all blogged about recently), and even some classical music, for me, bliss usually comes from other types of music.

The songs that give me bliss aren’t all one type of music.  Sometimes it’s the music that gets me and other times it’s the lyrics, if there are lyrics, but they don’t have to apply directly to me or my life to affect me.  The songs don’t have to be new or current.  They just all have that something that makes me feel intense emotion, even when I can’t explain it, and makes me unable to resist turning the volume up so loud in the car that when I look in the rear-view mirror, I can watch the back window shake.

And here’s one of those:

Here is another:

And another, from the same album:

And a different one:
(I just noticed that embedding is disabled on this, but if you click on it, it will take you to the video on YouTube.)

There are more, but I’ll stop here.

Ooh.  I lied.  Here’s another one:

Ok.  Done for now.

Bliss List – Items 5, 6, and 7

Continuing on with the Bliss List, here are some more items . . .

5. Store-bought bagged ice.  It always makes me feel pampered.

6. Being smiled at by a baby or child.  Gets me every time.

A year or so ago, I was at work, having a bad day and in a really bad mood.  A customer came in with her little boy, who was about a year old, I think.  They were sitting in my boss’ office, which is right next to my little alcove, separated by a large window.  The little boy was looking through the window at me, and I knew if I looked up at him I would smile, and I was too mad (dammit) about whatever was wrong, and I didn’t want to smile, so I pretended not to know he was looking at me and I kept working.  He evidently just knew I needed to look at him, and he smacked the window.  Before I had time to think, I glanced up, and his face bloomed into a huge grin.  Of course, mine did the same, and then came the rush of feel-good brain chemicals, and I was toast.

7. The pure-love look in a dog’s eyes.

More later.

Bliss List – Item 4

I am aware that I’m going to be giving away what a strange child I was with this entry, but oh well.

I used to love to watch the bug truck out my bedroom window.  It always went by after I was in bed.  My bed was up against the wall by the window, and I would get on my knees and peek out as the truck went by, watching.  Sometimes I’d open the window just a little and put my nose up to the screen and smell the combination mosquito repellant and window screen.  I really don’t know why, but it’s such a pleasant memory for me.  (Maybe the mosquito spray messed with my brain?)

I do remember the time when some of the neighborhood girls who picked on me were walking past when the bug truck was going by, and one of them saw me, looking out.  She pointed me out to the others, my little face and messy sleepy-hair framed by the window, and they all laughed.  I’m not sure if they were laughing because I was in bed at that hour (I got picked on for being raised with somewhat rigid structure) or if they were laughing because I was watching the bug truck.  Who knows, maybe they thought I was looking out at them, longing to be outside as well.

The other night, when I was beginning to do some thinking about what sorts of activities might be fun to my inner child, I heard the bug truck go by outside.  Of course, I peered through the blinds and watched it the whole way, feeling that old familiar excitement and watching the foggy spray in the air.  I didn’t open the window, though.  I remember what it smells like.

Bliss List – Items 1, 2, and 3

I got this idea from Kate1975’s Blog, and I think it’s a great self-care idea, albeit not always easy.  I decided to create my own Bliss List that I can refer back to when I need to feel that rush of “happy” brain chemicals that comes from thinking of those things that bring bliss.

So, other than chocolate (which I am not denying causes bliss as I purposely leave it off my list anyway because a big part of my reason for creating this list right now is to use it as an alternative to using food for comfort) and my family and friends, with whom I always find comfort and healthy laughter, here are the first three items on my Bliss List, which is not in a specific order:

1.  My Emily

2.  That shade of blue that is a combination of turquoise, neon, and electric

3. Tulips

If It Acts Like A Child And Feels Like A Child . . .

The dreams came in like needy children, tugging at my sleeve
I said, “I have no way of feeding you, so leave”.

Prince of Darkness – Indigo Girls

Hmmm.  Well.

Ater I wrote and then re-read yesterday’s entry about food-addiction-related cravings, I was struck with how obvious it seemed.

All the pondering I’ve done about what it is that I need or want that I’ve been trying to satisfy with food came to a halt when I read my own words, describing the craving as feeling like a child desperate for attention and my overeating as a way to push that child into submission and silence.  I thought, Duh.  Could it be the child-part of me, needing my attention?

I talked with Sister when I saw her last night, and wondered aloud what sort of attention the child-part of me could need.  What could I do that would make that child-part feel appreciated, acknowledged, paid-attention-to?

“Have fun?” I asked, feeling like the kid who got the pop-quiz answer right, expecting Sister to tap her nose like they do in Charades.

Ok.  So.

It was actually synchronistic that I saw Sister last night.  She’d emailed in the morning to say her cell phone wasn’t working.  She and Mom and I are on one plan together.  On my lunch hour, I went to the local store near where I work, described the message she was getting, and asked what we needed to do.  She had a bad sim card, they said, and because there isn’t a store local to where she lives and works in another county, they gave me a new sim card for her.  We met after work at the Outback Restaurant that is about halfway between, and we had dinner.

I did really well on my IF Ratings during dinner.  I had a small steak, sweet potato, and seasonal veggies (broccoli, summer squash, carrots, and snap peas), and then we shared a brownie sundae (not so good on the IF ratings, but worth it), mainly because I just get so tickled at being able to have a brownie sundae in public (it’s gluten free!).

As I was thinking about how to go about having fun and amusing my inner child, I commented that said child was enjoying that sundae.  Then it occurred to me that it wouldn’t always be a good idea to have a sundae as a way of amusing my inner child if the purpose of amusing my inner child were to not use food to make her be quiet.

I told Sister about my therapist asking me what other ways I could comfort myself, other than using comfort food.  I had a hard time with that one, but I brought up that I often comfort myself by watching TV (the mindlessness of my viewing habits varying in direct relation to how stressed or depressed I am).  But, I realized, I often eat while I watch TV and I associate the two pretty strongly.

But I figured it out last night.

I’m going to buy a coloring book and crayons, and when I’m watching TV and the child starts to tug at my sleeve, we’re going to color.

*Smile*

The Weight Thing

Following Kerro’s description of food-issue-related topics (the Food Thing, the Weight Thing, and the Body Image Thing), I thought I’d  write an entry about the Weight Thing.  I’ll discuss the Body Image Thing at a future date, as that may be the most difficult to write or talk about.

My therapist and I talked about the Weight Thing a bit this week also, in addition to the Food Thing.  I explained that it was the physical pain I was in that pursuaded me to change my eating, not my weight.  My “need” for comfort food (and for the perceived safety in keeping my armor of weight around me) outweighs (no pun intended) my desire to lose weight, to feel small, or to wear smaller clothes.

It’s true, I told her, that I miss being more flexible and feeling more “fluid” in my movements, and I especially miss sitting the way she does, I pointed out.  I used to be able to change my sitting position often, from putting one (or both) leg(s) under me, to putting my feet up in the chair beside me, to crossing my legs.  I remember how that felt, and it was great.  Carrying the amount of weight I am carrying now really limits fluid movement.  It makes me feel rigid (not unlike trying to move around while wearing a suit of armor might feel, in fact).  Leaning forward to pick something up from the floor is a major undertaking, and is embarrassing, since my face often turns red.  If my shoe comes untied and I’m in the car, I have to park and get out of the car to tie it.  There is no leaning over and reaching the floor in the car.  When I feel myself about to sneeze, I have to stop what I’m doing and make sure my back is straight, because when I sneeze I can feel my back pop and sometimes it hurts.  (I used to work with a woman who was very overweight and she cracked a rib by sneezing while turned into a funny position.)

I would like to someday be comfortable in my own skin and in my clothes.  I find myself always tugging at my shirt or adjusting the waistband of my pants, which I’m aware probably draws more attention to my body and clothes than I would like, but I can’t seem to stop doing it because my clothes never feel “right”.

I miss sitting in a chair and not feeling the arms or sides of the chair up against the sides of my thighs.  To sit down and have space on either side of you . . . that is something I would imagine a lot of peoole take for granted and never give much thought to.  (And I can’t help but wonder how that relates to the feeling of space vs closed-in-ness that has to do with my clutter issues.  I’ll ponder that at some point, but not right now.)

But missing that ease-of-movement, comfort in my own skin, and space around me has never been a strong enough motivator to actually make me face the Food Thing.

It took pain.

I still haven’t formally begun thinking of this as a weight-loss diet, but the foods that have the best IF Ratings are lower in all those things one watches when trying to lose weight, so I know I have cut my calories, carbs, and fats dramatically.  And, feeling better does encourage one to move around more, which I suspect will lead to exercise.  But for now, it’s about controlling pain and feeling better.  And it has begun to be about showing my body that I appreciate it by giving it more of what it needs and less of what hurts it.  And, by doing this, I am being forced by default to face the Food Thing, because I’m having to learn other, less painful ways to comfort myself.

That’s hard in itself, so the Weight Thing will have to come later.

The Importance of Not Letting Your Mind Wander

* Juvenile snicker *

The Nastiness of Food Addiction

Well, this is about the nastiness of my food addiction.  I can’t speak for anyone else’s.

So, I was talking to my therapist yesterday about cravings.  Not the physical kind of cravings that tend to fade somewhat when one begins to avoid excess sugars, but the emotional cravings that have driven my compulsive overeating for my whole adult life and a good part of my pre-adult life.

Therapist asked me what my cravings are like.  I said they are like a child who is constantly pulling at your sleeve or tapping you on the shoulder, saying, “Hey.  Hey.  Hey.  Look at me.  Pay attention to me.  Hey.  Hey.”

We talked about the fact that occasionally I crave very specific things, but that I usually I don’t really know what I’m craving, and that I have, on more occasions than I can count, just gone into the kitchen and eaten whatever I could find, and then something else, and something else, trying to find the thing that will finally satisfy me and make the child quiet.  We talked about how I’m actually aware that whatever it is I need or crave is not really food at all, but that if I eat enough, I’ll feel miserable and I’ll stop and the cravings will subside for awhile.

And, of course, the point would be to figure out what it is I really need or crave, but that’s much easier said . . .

And frankly, I’m tired.  I’m too tired to keep looking for answers.  I really am.

Cheating Under Controlled Conditions

Well, I learned something important this weekend.  Ok, I learned a few important things, but this one is about the anti-inflammation diet.  My PMDD symptoms are evidently not connected to inflammation.  That isn’t to say that systemic inflammation doesn’t have an effect on hormones and possibly exacerbate conditions like PMDD; I honestly don’t know.  But, at least this early on in the process of being IF-Rating conscious, controlling or lessening inflammation does nothing to relieve my PMDD back pain.  That pain is caused by fluid retention, and I suspect involves pressure on nerves from the excess fluid.

When I woke up Friday and could barely move, I was initially frustrated and temporarily convinced that the IF diet wasn’t working.  But I reminded myself of the big changes I’d experienced in the week before that, and remembered that it was PMDD time.

Yaz pretty much takes care of most of the extreme symptoms, except for the back pain and some of the fluid retention (it’s actually much worse without Yaz) and some of the tendency toward depressive episodes.  I started on Yaz back in 2007 and that, combined with also having gone gluten free a few months earlier, changed my life from the desperation of “I can’t spend the rest of my life like this; I just can’t” to actually being able to work on improving the other areas of my life that needed attention and had been left untended for years.  I was on Yaz untill my health insurance changed April 1st and I discovered that the new company does not show it on their formulary and it costs between $65 and $70 each month to fill the prescription.  I was off of it for five weeks.  Five weeks of Oh-My-God-Now-I-Remember-How-Bad-It-Can-Be.  I was back to being unable to fathom surviving years of that ahead of me.  I filled the prescription again and have been back on it since, but it’s difficult financially.  There is no generic at this point and I’m guessing they must hold patents on the formula, since nobody else makes anything comparable.  They don’t offer any sort of assistance programs for that particular drug and I haven’t been able to find any way to make it more affordable, other than my doctor’s office setting aside one sample for me for when I see them this week.  I’m at Beyer’s mercy.

But, in the interest of abandoning that rant and returning to the topic I started with . . .

I recognized that particular type of back pain and the way it causes me to stand with my back all twisted and crooked, and I knew.  Knowing, though, didn’t stop me from feeling sorry for myself and wanting to just give up on the diet because “If I’m going to feel like shit anyway, then I should stop spending extra money I can’t afford just to eat healthy and have to forego the comfort and emotional satisfaction I get from bad food”.  But that little voice in the back of my head (the nice one; not the mean one) kept saying, “You know it’s working.  You know it is.  And this is different.”

I discovered in my 20’s, by accident really, that tea makes a good diuretic.  When I start with the crooked-back days, I drink iced tea.  Lots and lots of iced tea.  (My most recent favorite mixture for a pitcher of tea: one iced-tea bag [I use decaf], one Lemon Zinger bag, and one Lipton Red Tea bag, brewed in the coffee maker and cooled.)  It does wonders, though it takes at least a good full day (sometimes two) to take most of  the edge off of the back pain.  I’m going to start marking the calendar to start drinking the tea a day or so early, so possibly I can avoid days like Friday and Saturday.

So Friday and Saturday, as I drank tea and waited to feel better, I felt sorry for myself because I wanted comfort food in the worst way and didn’t have any.  Finally, Saturday evening, I made a decision.  I went to the store and bought cheese dogs, two packages of the Easy Fries I love so much, and a large chocolate bar with almonds.  The cheese dogs aren’t terribly bad in the negative IF ratings.  The fries are pretty bad.  So is the chocolate, but the almonds help a tiny bit.  I ate my bad food Saturday night and into Sunday, but both days I had other meals that were IF-positive.  Sunday I was even more careful than Saturday to make a good effort to keep my other meals positive.  And it worked.  I only noticed a slight change in my jaw inflammation, which is reversing already, I was able to find that comfort in my junk food at a time when it felt crucial to do that, and I only bought enough for that short duration and I’m back on the horse, so to speak.

I was able to maintain control over my eating.

I was able to decide what to do and do it, and then to go back to “(the new) normal” afterward.

I just hope I can keep this kind of control, always, with this.