Bliss List – Items 1, 2, and 3

I got this idea from Kate1975’s Blog, and I think it’s a great self-care idea, albeit not always easy.  I decided to create my own Bliss List that I can refer back to when I need to feel that rush of “happy” brain chemicals that comes from thinking of those things that bring bliss.

So, other than chocolate (which I am not denying causes bliss as I purposely leave it off my list anyway because a big part of my reason for creating this list right now is to use it as an alternative to using food for comfort) and my family and friends, with whom I always find comfort and healthy laughter, here are the first three items on my Bliss List, which is not in a specific order:

1.  My Emily

2.  That shade-family of blue that is a variation of turquoise, aqua, neon blue, and electric blue

3. Tulips

See other Bliss List entries

If It Acts Like A Child And Feels Like A Child . . .

The dreams came in like needy children, tugging at my sleeve
I said, “I have no way of feeding you, so leave”.

Prince of Darkness – Indigo Girls

Hmmm.  Well.

Ater I wrote and then re-read yesterday’s entry about food-addiction-related cravings, I was struck with how obvious it seemed.

All the pondering I’ve done about what it is that I need or want that I’ve been trying to satisfy with food came to a halt when I read my own words, describing the craving as feeling like a child desperate for attention and my overeating as a way to push that child into submission and silence.  I thought, Duh.  Could it be the child-part of me, needing my attention?

I talked with Sister when I saw her last night, and wondered aloud what sort of attention the child-part of me could need.  What could I do that would make that child-part feel appreciated, acknowledged, paid-attention-to?

“Have fun?” I asked, feeling like the kid who got the pop-quiz answer right, expecting Sister to tap her nose like they do in Charades.

Ok.  So.

It was actually synchronistic that I saw Sister last night.  She’d emailed in the morning to say her cell phone wasn’t working.  She and Mom and I are on one plan together.  On my lunch hour, I went to the local store near where I work, described the message she was getting, and asked what we needed to do.  She had a bad sim card, they said, and because there isn’t a store local to where she lives and works in another county, they gave me a new sim card for her.  We met after work at the Outback Restaurant that is about halfway between, and we had dinner.

I did really well on my IF Ratings during dinner.  I had a small steak, sweet potato, and seasonal veggies (broccoli, summer squash, carrots, and snap peas), and then we shared a brownie sundae (not so good on the IF ratings, but worth it), mainly because I just get so tickled at being able to have a brownie sundae in public (it’s gluten free!).

As I was thinking about how to go about having fun and amusing my inner child, I commented that said child was enjoying that sundae.  Then it occurred to me that it wouldn’t always be a good idea to have a sundae as a way of amusing my inner child if the purpose of amusing my inner child were to not use food to make her be quiet.

I told Sister about my therapist asking me what other ways I could comfort myself, other than using comfort food.  I had a hard time with that one, but I brought up that I often comfort myself by watching TV (the mindlessness of my viewing habits varying in direct relation to how stressed or depressed I am).  But, I realized, I often eat while I watch TV and I associate the two pretty strongly.

But I figured it out last night.

I’m going to buy a coloring book and crayons, and when I’m watching TV and the child starts to tug at my sleeve, we’re going to color.

*Smile*

The Weight Thing

Following Kerro’s description of food-issue-related topics (the Food Thing, the Weight Thing, and the Body Image Thing), I thought I’d  write an entry about the Weight Thing.  I’ll discuss the Body Image Thing at a future date, as that may be the most difficult to write or talk about.

My therapist and I talked about the Weight Thing a bit this week also, in addition to the Food Thing.  I explained that it was the physical pain I was in that pursuaded me to change my eating, not my weight.  My “need” for comfort food (and for the perceived safety in keeping my armor of weight around me) outweighs (no pun intended) my desire to lose weight, to feel small, or to wear smaller clothes.

It’s true, I told her, that I miss being more flexible and feeling more “fluid” in my movements, and I especially miss sitting the way she does, I pointed out.  I used to be able to change my sitting position often, from putting one (or both) leg(s) under me, to putting my feet up in the chair beside me, to crossing my legs.  I remember how that felt, and it was great.  Carrying the amount of weight I am carrying now really limits fluid movement.  It makes me feel rigid (not unlike trying to move around while wearing a suit of armor might feel, in fact).  Leaning forward to pick something up from the floor is a major undertaking, and is embarrassing, since my face often turns red.  If my shoe comes untied and I’m in the car, I have to park and get out of the car to tie it.  There is no leaning over and reaching the floor in the car.  When I feel myself about to sneeze, I have to stop what I’m doing and make sure my back is straight, because when I sneeze I can feel my back pop and sometimes it hurts.  (I used to work with a woman who was very overweight and she cracked a rib by sneezing while turned into a funny position.)

I would like to someday be comfortable in my own skin and in my clothes.  I find myself always tugging at my shirt or adjusting the waistband of my pants, which I’m aware probably draws more attention to my body and clothes than I would like, but I can’t seem to stop doing it because my clothes never feel “right”.

I miss sitting in a chair and not feeling the arms or sides of the chair up against the sides of my thighs.  To sit down and have space on either side of you . . . that is something I would imagine a lot of peoole take for granted and never give much thought to.  (And I can’t help but wonder how that relates to the feeling of space vs closed-in-ness that has to do with my clutter issues.  I’ll ponder that at some point, but not right now.)

But missing that ease-of-movement, comfort in my own skin, and space around me has never been a strong enough motivator to actually make me face the Food Thing.

It took pain.

I still haven’t formally begun thinking of this as a weight-loss diet, but the foods that have the best IF Ratings are lower in all those things one watches when trying to lose weight, so I know I have cut my calories, carbs, and fats dramatically.  And, feeling better does encourage one to move around more, which I suspect will lead to exercise.  But for now, it’s about controlling pain and feeling better.  And it has begun to be about showing my body that I appreciate it by giving it more of what it needs and less of what hurts it.  And, by doing this, I am being forced by default to face the Food Thing, because I’m having to learn other, less painful ways to comfort myself.

That’s hard in itself, so the Weight Thing will have to come later.